Life always brings me back to blogging. I’m not sure exactly why I end up posting my feelings all over a media device that never allows me to actually delete them, but I do. I do journal, but I type faster, and I guess I secretly desire someone to read my thoughts and reply with some sort of profound advice that will impact my life and I’ll have some sort of epiphany. Yet, that seems to never happen and in the end I feel alone, talking to a brick wall and discussing the complexity of life with the voices in my head.
Even with a boyfriend, or close friend, or best friend, I feel alone. No one has ever attempted to break down the walls, which are as intense as the Great Wall of China, in my head. I have no reason why I don’t let people in. I guess that’s a lie. I do. But I feel like I hurt people more than I am hurt by others. Maybe that’s the issue. I feel like I destroy people.
Sometimes, I feel emotionless. I feel like I’m walking this earth, mundane, dry, stale and emotionless. In the end, I revert back to numbness and I trap myself in my head. In my head, I’m safe, and so is everyone else. There’s noting else I can do… at least that’s how I feel. Trapped. Safe. Exhausted by myself.